Can Microsoft really be turning 50?

The world was changed forever on April 4, 1975.

(Don’t get a swelled head if that happens to be your date of birth. I’m writing about a business/cultural milestone, not providing PR for any individual’s decades of leaving a carbon footprint. On the other hand, you really are rockin’ it for near-50. Send me the name of your gym.)

*Ahem* Where was I? Oh, yes, April 4 marks the 50th anniversary of when childhood friends Bill Gates and Paul Allen launched Microsoft, a fledgling company that would grow into a multinational technology conglomerate boasting (as of 2024) 228,000 employees.

(Admittedly, that statistic does not impress long-serving Congressman Cookthebooks, who sputters, “Big deal. I’ll bet not all 228,000 employees are related to the boss! Amateurs!”)

Some of us wonder how we ever got along before Microsoft introduced its productivity applications, goosed the sale of home computers and helped the dot-com boom of the 90s. (I think it had something to do with dipping a quill pen in ink to put dinosaur eggs on the grocery list, but don’t quote me on that.)

But a sizable minority still takes a perverse pride in staying low-tech. (“You won’t catch me using any of that newfangled computer stuff. New evidence is coming out that Microsoft Edge is the Mark of the Beast. I’ll provide you with cutting-edge research about that topic just as soon as the new set of encyclopedias arrives.”)

Beginning with Windows 95 (which I ran on my Dell tower computer back in the day), I have benefited from quite a few Microsoft products. But I must admit that the high subscription costs for certain Microsoft software sometimes drive me to avail myself of the knockoffs that have jumped into the market. Who needs Word software when you can get Inarticulate Grunt for free? Why pay for Excel when you can install Blend In and Ride The Clock Until Quitting Time at no cost?

I have downloaded several useful applications from the Microsoft Store, but I feel bullied when I try to install neat software from another source. It’s almost a HAL “I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that” moment. Or more like, “Wellll, you can try installing that unknown software but it might make your laptop explode. And it would probably mess up your computer, too.”

The impact of Microsoft goes beyond mere technological innovation like the Xbox gaming console or cloud computing. Its financial success has enabled the philanthropic endeavors of Bill Gates. Love him or hate him, that globetrotting scamp is always dabbling in something. (“If we can’t find a way to make the world better, we’ll just buy out the competing planets! Easy-peasy. They probably have some really humongous bugs to eat.”)

Some folks — disenchanted with America’s two-party system, the European Union and the United Nations — think Microsoft really should be in charge of the whole world. I can just imagine some of the outbursts we would overhear.

“Hold on! You can’t use your toilet until we’ve completed a forced upgrade at this most inopportune time.”

“Too bad about the much-needed rain stopping in mid-air; maybe you should try a couple dozen reboots.”

“Sorry about all your hair falling out. Sure hope you established a system restore point!”

Here’s to the next 50 years of innovation.

Maybe your gym will even suction fat into the cloud!

Danny Tyree welcomes email responses at tyreetyrades@aol.com and visits to his Facebook fan page “Tyree’s Tyrades.”